"Don’t be insecure or shallow": I have a small dick and/or I am insecure and also shallow and trying desperately to seem deep and artistic. And my dick is a little pinkus dick.
"I’m looking for someone active": don’t be fat. I am too much of a wimp to say I won’t fuck fat women but I won’t fuck fat women so please run up this flight of stairs so I can test if you are active.
"You should know your way around art/literature/music": please care about the art/literature/music I care about. But please don’t know MORE THAN ME about it because I am insecure and/or have a pinkus dick.
"Please no high maintenance women": you need to look super hot but hide all of that effort from me. Appear to have been born hairless and with flawless skin. No blisters allowed with your high heels. Please wake up at four am and do your make up routine before I can see you. When I sleep over please hide all your hair products and make up to continue my illusion of ‘natural beauty’ because I am a fragile and rare silken wood elk that must be ridden gently.
"No drama": I am a douche and when I douche out I will gaslight you and call you a psycho because I hate women and like to be an asshole, but prefer no consequences with my side order of shithead salad.
"I work hard and play hard": I am basically Patrick Bateman.
"Be comfortable with yourself": I don’t want to hear about all the nagging and horrifying pressures society puts on women to be thin, white, cis, blemish free and always ready to suck dicks. Please refrain from showing me any indication that you are not comfortable enough with yourself to let me put my dick in your holes whenever I want to.
"Prefer the outdoors type": reealllllly hoping this weeds out fat women because I am super afraid to just say I don’t want to date fat women. Also I think I am Baer Grylls but I am just a pinkus dude.
"Libertarian": pinkus again. Pinkus and a fedora. A mini pinkus dick possibly with a fedora on it.
“Love the finer things in life”: I am going to bore you to DEATH talking about this wine/beer/restaurant. By the end of our first date you will be a skeleton in a cute dress in a chair because I will have bored you until you actually died.
I’m trying hard to live by Cat Principles.
1. I am glorious above all things
2. Eat when hungry, sleep when sleepy, play when bored
3. Affection is given and received on my terms and only mine
4. Show displeasure clearly.
6. Demand the things you want. If they aren’t given, demand them again, but louder this time.
7. If you are touched when you don’t want to be, say so. If they continue to touch you, make them bleed.